


Forever is a very long time (and I shall be glad of it)

by Dumb_of_ass



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Bonding, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage, P much ignores beyond though oops, POV Third Person, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, So much angst, Star Trek: Into Darkness, some vulcans are just a bag of dicks in a trench coat, wow ao3 doesn't have a tag for that? outrageous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 06:12:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17677976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dumb_of_ass/pseuds/Dumb_of_ass
Summary: 5 events that change Spock's life irrevocably and 1 that doesn’t, not really---The worst thing is, Spock can’t tell whether Jim slumps because he is relieved or because he simply does not have enough energy to hold himself up any more and he can’t stand it. Can’t stand seeing Jim transition from a state of is to was. But he has to.His eyes are watery and the world is beginning to blur but he blinks and tears run down his cheeks and he forces his eyes to focus, to pay attention with a clarity he has never attended anything before, to watch what’s left of James T. Kirk because there will not be another chance later.





	Forever is a very long time (and I shall be glad of it)

Spock is used to Vulcans talking with things other than their words.

As a child, they would state their views and prejudices plainly in an attempt to evoke an emotional reaction. They would say things about his appearance, about his actions, about his parents and then once, only once, they succeeded.  

As an adult, he can feel the bruises on his knuckles, green flecks on his face when the council says _“human mother”_ and he hears _weak; inferior; you’re good, for a halfling._

And because Spock is nothing if not Vulcan, he says _“live long and prosper”_ and they hear _fuck you._

Or perhaps they don’t, as - and for once he isn’t ashamed to admit it - it is a very human sentiment after all.

The Science Institute can still boast their technically perfect recruitment score, even though they have now lost their best applicant, and _to boast_ isn’t a very Vulcan thing to do.

What was or was not _the Vulcan thing to do_ has placed constraints on Spock’s life and behaviour unlike those of his peers. Looking back, _he_ was not the one allowing petty jealousy to arise in the form of bullying and taunting, and yet _he_ was the one reprimanded for the incident.

He is tired of having to be _better_ all the time.

If he does not react, then he is only pretending to be what they embody intrinsically.

If he reacts, then he is over-emotional, and disappointing his Vulcan heritage, just like his father.

Just like his brother.

His mother meets him in the hall after the meeting and tells him she is proud of him.

If Spock were anything other than Vulcan, he might have felt heartened. He might have embraced her.

As it is, he tells her his actions were logical, and that he will be departing for Earth in a month.

During that month, Spock does not converse with his father. He studies weather patterns and history and culture and his mother looks on sadly with those expressive, human eyes of hers and patiently explains the things that Vulcan research did not think to look for.

Spock wonders if he is starting on the same path as Sybok, but he recoils at the thought. The memory of his brother’s Vulcan face contorting to the wide smile of a human brings about conflicting emotions - regret, affection, sadness, anger - but makes him certain that he is not abandoning Surak.

He is doing what is best.

His mother walks with him to the shuttle bay, and there are tears in her eyes as she lets him go.

Be careful, she warns him, Earth is not what you’ll think it’ll be.

And she’s right.

 

* * *

 

Everything in the universe is a series of actions and consequences. Cadet James Tiberius Kirk cheated on the Kobayashi Maru test, thus Cadet James Tiberius Kirk must face the consequences.

(Thus Jim might not have been on the ship, thus those precious few Vulcans left might not have been saved, thus Nero might have _won-_

But Spock doesn’t know that yet. It won’t keep him up tonight, but it will soon.)

Cadet Kirk’s reputation precedes him, and it does not help his case. Kirk’s a genius, a playboy, a dickhead; he’s reckless and cocky and smooth and a hundred other _human_ adjectives that Spock wishes he didn’t know.

Some of his fellow instructors believe they can “set him on the right path.” Others try to get him expelled. It wouldn’t be hard - never on time, always getting into fights, seemingly every other day someone files a complaint against him - if he weren’t so good at what he does.

Except, Spock thinks, being _good_ at something doesn’t excuse everything else. It doesn’t mean you understand, it just means you _do,_ you _act,_ you _ignore._

Cadet Kirk is the picture of incredulity at the stand. Earth might not have been as expected when he first arrived, but Spock can recognise people he knew from childhood in Kirk, knows his type. They think they can get what they want without repercussions simply because they take it by force. They believe they are safe in their groups, in their connections, in their power.

But. There are consequences.

Cadet Kirk brings him to the stand and attempts to argue his case. Despite his unwavering control, something in Spock cracks when _“I don’t believe in no-win scenarios”_ is thrown out to the board. Spock didn’t believe in a lot of things as a child. It didn’t make them any less real.

This needs to end. Spock thinks back to when he was looking over the Cadet’s file. Born in space. Mother; engineer. Brother; botanist. Father; deceased.

He says _“you, of all people”_ and Jim Kirk hears _was your father a no-win scenario; how could you hope to measure up to him; you’ve disappointed everyone who knew him._

Kirk says _“I, of all people?”_ and Spock hears a challenge. One he is completely prepared to meet when the alarms go off. Red alert.

The hearing is suspended and all those in attendance have been called to ships. All those except Cadet James Tiberius Kirk. When he realises this, despite his unwavering control, Spock feels a certain vicious satisfaction.  

It turns into something akin to anger when he realises the cadet was on board anyway. Once they were finished here Spock was going to make _sure-_

Oh.

It turns into something akin to grief, then, when Kirk tells them what the lightening means.

 

* * *

 

His mother was dead, and First Officer Kirk was beginning to hinder the mission more than he was helping it. Regrouping with the fleet was in section 3 subsection 4b(i) of the _Captain’s_ _Orders and Regulations for Disasters and Other Fatal Occurrences:_

_3.4 When alone in Federation Space during a fatal disaster:  
_

_a) If communications systems are operational, send a distress signal to the nearest Star Fleet ship(s)/space station/star base_

_b) If warp drive and/or impulse power is operational, move to the nearest fleet ship(s)/space station/star base_  
_i) If under attack by a constitution-class or greater class ship, implement defensive maneuvers immediately and retreat to the nearest_  
_fleet ship(s)/space station/star base_  
_ii) If under attack by a norway-class or smaller class ship, return fire and then move to the nearest fleet ship(s)/space station/star base_

 _c) If neither communications systems nor warp drive/impulse power are operational, move crew to escape pods and set destination for the_  
_closest allied planet_

_d) If the warp core has been breached, eject core immediately and move crew to escape pods  
_

 His mother was dead and gone and Spock did not have the functioning mental capacity to deal with First Officer Kirk arguing with what he was _supposed to do._ He attempted to compartmentalise the weeping wound that used to be his maternal parental bond, attempted to rationalise the fact that he was now a member of an endangered species.

He went over section section 3 subsection 4b(i) of the _Orders and Regulations for Disasters and Other Fatal Occurrences_ in his head. Recalled the words again and again and when that didn’t make things clearer he started on the rest of the section: _3.5 When with one (1) or more other ally ships in Federation Space during a fatal disaster 3.6 When alone in the Neutral Zone during a fatal disaster 3.7 When with one (1) or more other ally ships in the Neutral Zone during a fatal disaster 3.8 When in-_

It wasn’t working. His mother died, screaming. Spock sat in the captain’s chair and gave out the orders according to the Starfleet manual. He wonders if she was crushed upon impact or if Vulcan exploded before she got the chance.

“Lieutenant Uhura, send out a distress signal to the fleet,” he said, looking straight out into space and gripping the arms of the chair tight. He had to purge these emotions, they would do him no good. Logic was the only way forward in this situation. In _any-_

“Sir, some of the other ships gave out distress signals before they were- destroyed. Do you want me to send another red alert?”

“Yes, and then send out that the _Enterprise_ will be regrouping with the fleet.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Lieutenant Sulu, set a course for the closest Starfleet ships. Warp factor 7.”

“... Yes, Captain. Warp factor 7.”

The _Enterprise_ lurched forward, and then settled into faster-than-light travel. Spock did not let go of the chair.

They hadn’t been travelling for more than two minutes when Lieutenant Giotto reported that there was a breach in the cooler system. Another few seconds passed and, with the soft sound of the doors opening, Lieutenant Kirk and another man - human, Spock guessed - were dragged onto the bridge.

That shouldn’t be possible. They were still at warp. And Kirk was planetside when they entered. It’s not possible.

Spock asks, demands, how they got on board, but Kirk refuses to answer and tells the other man to do the same.

And then-

_And then._

Kirk asks him if he feels anger. Sorrow. Loss. Grief. If he even _can,_ if he even _cares._

He says “your mother was murdered and you really could _not_ give less of a shit,” and looks like he believes every word, like he’s _figured Spock out._ Like he has any right to tell Spock how he feels over the death of his planet, his family; any right to tell him whether he, as a member of this now-endangered species _should_ feel. Because he shouldn’t feel. He wishes he couldn’t.

Something completely _snaps_ inside him, something larger, more deadly, and less inclined to care about the consequences than in this morning’s hearing.

He screams, he thinks.

His hands go around Kirk’s throat. The hands that failed to save his mother.

Spock sees the human struggle for air, but it doesn’t register.

In the end, only his father could stop him. And it finally clicks. Spock has failed his Vulcan heritage like never before; he allowed his emotions to grip him tight, control him in such a way that almost caused him to do something he wouldn’t be able to come back from.

He relieves himself of duty under _Starfleet Regulation 619_ and his father talks of emotion, of love. Perhaps he has not failed, after all. Perhaps they can heal from this, together.

Perhaps _together_ is all they have left.

For the first time in a long, illustrious career, Captain James Tiberius Kirk assumes command of the  _Enterprise._

 

* * *

 

 The plan worked. Granted, it was a half-formed plan, only thought up in the end out of desperation and outside help, but it worked.

Spock only gets a few moments to savour the victory against their worst adversary yet, because a call comes up from engineering. It’s not good news.

He’s never run so fast in his life. The rest of the bridge crew are behind him, Spock thinks, but he doesn’t stop to make sure.

Lieutenant Commander Scott greets him with a clenched jaw and watery eyes, but just shakes his head. Spock moves around him to find the door to the warp drive and-

Captain James Tiberius Kirk - _Jim_ \- is on the wrong side of that door.

“Open it,” Spock demands because this can’t be happening, it can’t end this way there has to be something-

“The decontamination is not complete,” Scotty says, and a tear falls onto his cheek, “you’ll flood the whole compartment - the door’s locked, sir.”

Spock kneels down on the floor, trembling at the sight before him. Jim, almost unseeing, eaten from the inside out by radiation, reaching up to lock the door behind him, and looking like just that took years of effort.

Glassy eyes find Spock’s and the first thing Jim asks is: _“how’s our ship?”_

It takes years of effort for him to reply evenly. “Out of danger.”

The worst thing is, Spock can’t tell whether Jim slumps because he is relieved or because he simply does not have enough energy to hold himself up any more and he can’t stand it. Can’t stand seeing Jim transition from a state of _is_ to _was._ But he has to.

His eyes are watery and the world is beginning to blur but he blinks and tears run down his cheeks and he forces his eyes to focus, to pay attention with a clarity he has never attended anything before, to watch what’s left of James T. Kirk because there will not be another chance later.

He takes it all in; how Jim’s bloodshot eyes bore into his own, the way his cracked lips move around his words, Jim’s syntax, his voice, his rapidly failing breathing. Absorb it all, he thinks as he rages against everything that has brought them both to this moment, there will not be another chance later.

“How do you choose not to feel?” Jim asks, _begs,_ after he knows the situation.

Spock feels so much, he isn’t sure it isn’t eating him from the inside out as well, changing something inside him permanently, irrevocably.

“I don’t know,” he says, “right now I am failing.”

“I want you to know… why I couldn’t let you die,” Jim grits out, like the words are choking him.

Spock knows. “Because you are my friend,” he says, and there’s so much in that one word between people who have never really had _friends_ before, so much between them that Spock hates that he has only known this man for two years. Will only ever know this man for two years.

James T Kirk’s last living act was to press his hand against the glass and twitch his fingers into a ta’al to mirror Spock’s and really, that’s the thing that breaks him.

Jim _was_ a great captain, _was_ a good man, _was_ his friend. _Was_ is how James T. Kirk will be remembered from now on and Spock hates it. His name will be scattered throughout history as:

_List of Starfleet personnel killed during the USS Vengeance Incident of 2259:_

_Lieutenant Commander Aaron, Matthew S., Cadet Aaron, Victor J., Commander Adams, Kathlene A. …  Lieutenant Kings, Lucy R., Captain  
          Kirk, James T., Lieutenant Kirkwood, Elizabeth S. … _

  1. _Mulligan, 2264, “Strategies Implemented by Starfleet Captains and Admirals,” “Chapter 6: Captain James T. Kirk (2233-2259)”_



He screams, he thinks.

 

* * *

 

Spock doesn’t believe in luck, but if he did, he would say that James Kirk is lucky. And he would be glad that James Kirk was lucky because it meant that even though he has faced enough radiation to kill a star base, a homicidal Romulan from the future, and countless homicidal natives (from the future or otherwise), he is still here.

He is still here to have monotonous meetings that turn into chess matches that turn into late night tea with. Meetings that have become increasingly dangerous as Spock has to clench his hands and cross his ankles between moves as Jim bites his lower lip and twines and untwines his fingers together to stop himself from leaning across the board to kiss the soreness from his lip, the tension from his fingers.

It is a problem.

But Spock is nothing if not Vulcan, and so he meditates longer, grips his hands harder. He will control this.

Naturally, it’s on an away mission that everything goes wrong. The natives of the planet Morae have adapted to live in a harsh, rocky environment and without what would be fresh water to humans and Vulcans.

There is such a disconnect in their biology that none of the crew can partake in the celebratory meal the Morae have provided. The captain carefully sips at his Starfleet-issue water canister and makes small talk with the chief that either side can only barely understand.  

Spock feels… on edge. There are a large number of guards posted around, at least two at every exit, and when Spock reaches for his communicator there is no signal.

The captain glances towards him and immediately tenses. He opens his mouth - to warn, to placate, to yell - but never get the chance to vocalise as the guards surround them, pointing a variety of non-starfleet issue phasers and archaic spears at them.

Of course. The Morae are scavengers, after all. There is no mining treaty, only spare parts to be found.

Lieutenant Uhura tells the captain the chief will unblock their communicators and he wants the _Enterprise_ to be brought down and surrendered. Spock finds that an illogical demand, as there are over 400 personnel on the _Enterprise_ and Lieutenant Scott alone would never let them on board.

The captain opens his communicator, and says: “Scotty, beam up _now!”_ before the device is smacked out of his hands.

Only three are beamed up before the signal is once again jammed. It is Spock, the Captain, and Lieutenant Jameson, the security officer, who are left.

They run.

They end up, as they often do, in a cave. Jameson is dead, and Spock suspects the Captain is more injured than he is trying to convey.

“We just need to get out of their signal range, then we can call the ship,” the Captain says. There is perspiration about his forehead and his breathing is laboured. “Spock, if you follow the cave system you should be far enough to make the call.”

Something violent spasms in Spock’s heart at the notion. His objection is so vehement that the Captain flinches before he has even said anything.

“I know, Spock, but I’m not moving anywhere fast and we’re running out of time,” the Captain tells him, facade of health gone, “they’ll find us soon. Call the ship, come back with reinforcements, okay?”

No. It is not okay. If he has to sit and watch Jim die _again_ he knows he will not survive it.

Jim swears quietly to himself and when he takes his hand away from his stomach his command gold is stained red and slick with blood. Spock had never thought red to be such a violent colour until he met Jim. Never thought that the sight of the sand in his childhood home, of I-Chaya’s eyes and plomeek soup would give rise to such _feeling_ in him.

“I will not allow you to die,” Spock says.

Jim smiles, but it is not an expression born from joy. “And I will not allow you to let yourself be killed over me.”

As gently as he can, given the circumstances, Spock picks him up. Jim winces.

Strained, he protests: “I’ll only slow you down-”

“Be silent and put your arms around my neck. We to not have much time, as you have said.”

Later, Spock will say he was distracted, that he was focused on keeping Jim alive, and that was why his shields were not functioning as they should have. Why, when Jim put his arms around Spock’s neck, he stumbled at the force of the connection.

“Spock…?” Jim pants, overwhelmed, and then loses consciousness. The arms drop from his neck, the presence in his mind, gone. Spock is momentarily overrun by the force of his conflicting emotions, but then he centers himself, and pushes it all away. He does not feel. Jim will not die.

Doctor McCoy started shouting before they had finished materialising on the _Enterprise,_ and he was still shouting when Spock entered the sick bay two days later. Jim was lying comfortably, smiling against the Doctor’s barrage.

The reprimanding turned onto him as Spock sat down next to the biobed, but he simply held out two fingers and felt the connection thrum between them as, softly, Jim pressed his own fingers to Spock’s.

 

* * *

* * *

 

When they get the confirmation of their second five year mission aboard the _Enterprise,_ the first thing Jim says is “marry me.”

There is a pause, and then Jim seems to realise what he said. Spock finds it curious, that humans will sometimes say what they are thinking without any consideration of the words.

Humans - his, especially - will also say the opposite of what they are thinking, for no reason but to placate and secure the other side that what they just said was not, in reality, what they were thinking. Spock does not know why they do this.

So when Jim says _“I, uh, didn’t mean it like that, I mean obviously we’re not ready for that, and we’re just about to go on this mission - some honeymoon, huh? I mean, not that we’re getting married, I mean - shit,”_ Spock hears _I love you; I’m scared of wanting more than you can give; I can wait, I will wait, just don’t leave me alone._

He presses his lips against Jim’s. Partly because it is an effective way to get him to stop talking, mostly just because he wants to.

Spock says _yes_ and it echoes through both their minds, without double meanings or hidden agendas. He says _yes_ and then tells him _I love you; there is no reason for fear; I will not wait and I will not leave._

Jim, as an over-emotional human, starts crying but also laughing and breaks their kiss to embrace him.

Spock, despite his unwavering control, holds him tighter.

 

\--

 

Being bonded to Jim does not changed much. They have been in each other’s minds for three years, only now they are parted from each other and never parted. They are never and always touching and touched in the laws of Vulcan and Earth.

As soon as they step onto the bridge the crew sends them knowing looks - which they are used to by now - even though they eloped to New Vulcan and only Doctor McCoy knew.

Although, perhaps it is _because_ Doctor McCoy knew that the crew is now acting in this manner.

They press their first two fingers together briefly before parting for their own stations. Spock can admit to some satisfaction at returning to the _Enterprise,_ despite their shore leave being only three weeks.

 _Uhura is looking at you,_ Jim teases him through their bond. Humans are generally psi-null, but as both the humans with bonds he knows have mastered them, Spock is beginning to doubt this statistic.

 _I am aware,_ he sends back, _however, I am occupied with preparing for launch._

_Uh-huh._

Spock looks over and sees the Captain smiling while consulting Lieutenant Sulu on their course.

_Made you look._

He turns back to the science station. _Perhaps._

“Everyone ready for another five years stuck on this tin can?” the Captain jokes, and Scotty starts yelling at him over the intercom.

The bridge crew laughs, and when Jim looks over to Spock, grin wide and happy, Spock allows only the corners of his mouth to lift, allows the wrinkles around his eyes to deepen ever so slightly.

“Take her out Mr. Sulu,” Jim says, and Spock knows, despite how illogical it may be, that he wants to stay like this forever.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Spock, looking at Jim in the cave: do I love him or do I just have tachycardia 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
